In one of my conversations with Hibo, we talked about how different – how much easier – our study abroad experience would have been had we been white men. We have gotten exhausted with having to be constantly aware of looks and remarks. However, I’ve also met and had the best interactions with other Vietnamese people at restaurants. But all of this just made me realize, being a person of color in Europe is a lonely experience.

Being on this trip has made me more anxious of walking past groups of men than ever. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived in the Carleton bubble for too long and I’ve forgotten what living in a city feels like. However, I still have lived in the biggest city of Vietnam for 21 years of my life. Living in Europe, I’ve received too many catcalls and racist remarks in passing, too terrified to have a reaction or a comeback. Living in Europe, I just came to realize, more than ever, how much my identity will stand out.

I’ve lost count of the amount of times random men have stopped to say ni hao to me, men calling me “hey China girl hey,” or large groups of men talking to each other, calling me “the Chinese.” I’ve also lost count of the amount of times men looked at me up and down, not breaking eye contact as I looked back.

One time, an Indian restaurant owner had asked me where I’m from. Upon hearing that I’m from America, he had said “I didn’t think you were from America. I thought you were from Japan!” The interaction had stirred up a lot of doubt I’ve had about my identity – how I grew up in Vietnam but because I’ve spent so many years in America that I’ve come to identify with it more. I realized it’s hard to feel a sense of belonging anywhere.

I’ve also met the kindest Vietnamese restaurant owners who warmed my heart. One told me “It does get lonely here,” while another insisted on giving me her daughter’s phone number, “so you have someone to hang out with, in case you get lonely here.” I realized that, even for Vietnamese people who have been living in Europe for most of their lives, feeling a sense of belonging is still hard as a person of color.

Seeing all the works at the mega-exhibitions, I realized representation for Asian identities is still scarce, especially those that do not tokenize or fetishize on Asian cultures.